Deep Fried Eagle

Last night I was surfing the web and had the TV on mute. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a plumber bending over and animated green “stink smoke” coming out of his butt crack and the plumber behind him went crosseyed.

Yep…that says BUTT ODOR

I had to rewind it to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I even said out loud “No effing way I just saw that”, but I did. I saw a REAL commercial for a butthole spray!

Go here if this wont play http://www.youtube.com/v/Lmy9R_WtPbg&hl

I don’t even know what to say. I mean, where do I start? I guess first of all, I gotta say “En garde, society! We have officially crossed into “Idiocracy” territory. Life has truly imitated art. “The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”



We Americans will buy anything advertised on TV. I remember personally owning a Ronco Record Cleaner when I was a kid. It was this huge plastic monstrosity with a vertical slot that spun your record through a fan.

”The Ronco Mangler”

Did it clean your LP’s? Nope. Did it scratch them? Yep. Up until my late teens, I didn’t know The Police’s song “Wrapped Around Your Finger” had the lyrics “Mephistopheles is not your name” because my Ronco Record “cleaner” scratched my Synchronicity album! That was my first lesson in “caveat emptor”, and the lesson was hard-learned because Synchronicity is quite possibly one of the best albums ever, or at least it was to me in 1983.

I can’t remember ever buying anything ‘as Seen On TV” after that. Through the years, there have been countless things advertised that we Americans just HAVE to own. Common sense has nothing to do with these purchases. Our impulsive nature compels us to believe that a Thighmaster will get our asses in shape, even though if we just stopped to think about it, it was a stupid concept. But no, we had to order it, use it for a day, THEN decide that Suzanne Somers was full of shit and throw that cheap piece of junk in a closet. We made George Foreman a millionaire. We believed that we could eat healthy and lose weight by “knocking out the fat” if we purchased the George Foreman Grill. I’ll repeat this: We took some FAT, bald, washed-up boxer’s advice that we could be healthy and lean if we bought his product. And you know what? We bought it. But hey, at least that thing actually cooks your food. It’s not totally useless like BluBlocker sunglasses. We are so mesmerized by commercials, that we have spent MILLIONS of the ugliest sunglasses ever produced just because we were told they “Block all of the UV light and all of the blue light so colors such as red and green are more vibrant!” We’re so stupid that we think that walking around looking through yellow lenses is the way to go. I mean, when’s the last time you said “Fucking blue light! There’s got to be a way all this calming, beautiful color can be eradicated from my sight”? And yet, you knew what I was talking about. I’ll bet money you didn’t have to google BluBlocker, and I think it would be safe to say you have been curious at one point in your life what it would be like to see so “clearly”.

”These thangs are FAN-CY. Take mah picture!”

My grandfathers post-cataract surgery glasses are awesomely cool compared to these things, and they’re actually polarized to block out harmful UV rays, not “harmful colors that you didn’t know were harmful until some schmuck TV told you so”.

So yes, we’ll buy anything. We believe that what used to be called the “cathode ray nipple” told us. (“Plasma Nipple” just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?) We made a star out of Billy Mays, a man who by all accounts should have died in obscurity. Instead, his demise overshadowed the deaths of an accomplished and respected actor like David Carradine, a pop culture icon like Farrah Fawcett, or whoever else died that week who’s name escapes me, but has more cred than Billy “Full Volume” Mays. (This has been the summer of death, so I lost track of all of them)

So back to this butt and crotch spray commercial. In and of itself, it’s DAMN entertaining. “Lanny F.” is worth watching over & over again just for talking about his “special areas” and for his GOLDEN line “And with Aspray I don’t have to worry about that anymore. *snif* Mmmhmm. In my butt.” I doubt any area on that man’s body is special, but that’s pure comedy gold. If this was a fake product I’d love this commercial just as much. But it isn’t fake, it’s very real. I think what’s so crazy about it is how blatant it is. I mean, it’s cutting through the bullshit and telling you straight up, “Hey! Your dick smells, man! Spray something on it!” It actually shows a woman beating around the bush (pun intended) by spraying it near her breasts before going for the gusto and lifting her skirt and spraying on her crotch. They just throw the feet and armpits thing in there just to round out the commercial. Everyone’s feet can stink, and people who don’t wear deodorant might be ripe from time-to-time. No, the real target audience is people who don’t wash their junk, and they want you to know that. If they really wanted to market it as an all-over deodorant, they’d have called it something like “fresh mist” or something to that effect. But no, they called it A-spray. You don’t have to be a genius to read “ass spray” into that. After all, they had a guy actually make graphics of green butt odor for this commercial. They actually showed a man and a woman spraying their “special areas”. If you need a spray to keep the unholy loin-stink from reaching your nose, you have bigger problems. Then there’s the hard sell. The volume, the intensity, and the gestures from the pitchman are a given. That shit moves product. But what I love is right before our man Lanny’s testimonial; they work a little Madison Avenue magic: they make that miniscule bottle of taint spray grow from the size of a bottle of Afrin to the size of a propane tank! If someone wasn’t sold before that, they sure will be now! OK, so let’s say that wasn’t enough to convince you, well how about doubling your order if you “put down the potato chips (you fatass) and call RIGHT THIS SECOND”. No? Ok, you’ve got their backs to the corner. They can see you drive a hard bargain. After all, you’re no smelly fool. What if they told you it was…get ready…MADE IN THE USA! I can’t help but think of a chorus of “Sold, motherfucker!” ringing out in some trailer park. Excuse me, manufactured home community. So yeah, this is either the sickest thing I’ve seen in a while, or the most GENIUS things I’ve seen. While I’m taken aback by its existence (what, with the invention of soap and water & all), I gotta hand it to them for selling us jerks what I assume is some alcohol/saline mixture at a 1000% markup using such an effective campaign. We Americans are fucking idiots. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go contemplate not washing my butt for a few days then lightly misting it with alcohol water. I hope my stink fog is such a lovely shade of green, I just need to find a way to trick a dude into sticking his face in my asscrack.